Taking Steps…Any Direction Will Do

So, I’ve hit the gym every day this week, thus far. Tonight is typically movie night for me and my roommie but there’s nothing new that I want to see being released this week that can’t wait ’til the weekend.

Had a pretty serious migraine yesterday. Tried to manage it with OTC’s and exercise. Makes me really appreciate my current lifestyle that I can take care of myself in ways I couldn’t when I was an athlete and/or in college. By the end of my workout, my neck had started to relax and I had almost gotten rid of it.

Combine that with some melatonin before going to bed last night and I managed to sleep well enough that I’m feeling pretty good this morning. The anxiety that I’ve been carrying for the last few months has dissipated and I’m afraid that much of my excitement has gone with it.

I’m no longer sure my body is capable of having a baby without help. And that makes it really really hard to keep wanting, to keep fighting. Everything’s felt like such a battle recently. I’d really like for something to go smoothly for once. But….if that were my life path, I would have named this blog something else.

It’s typically been the case that when I go after something, especially something big, it doesn’t go as planned/expected/hoped. But, in each of those cases, a different path toward something awesome has tended to present itself.

I don’t know if this is going to be one of those cases. Part of me hopes so but another part of me really hopes not. Because THIS is what I want. I want to be a mother.I want to be able to carry my baby inside my body. I want to have the privilege of birth…

My thoughts have been scattered, my mind naturally exploring other possibilities that are less painful, less scary and filled with doubt.

What would I do with all the money I’ve saved if I wasn’t going to spend it on a baby?

What would my life look like if motherhood weren’t part of the equation?

Where would I live if I didn’t have to consider room for my child?

Would I rescue more dogs? Travel? Pay off some debt? Take classes? Higher a personal trainer to help me lose this weight? Fix the rusting tailgate on my truck?

The reality is, there are plenty of worthy projects I can spend that money on if I weren’t going to spend it on having a baby. I wouldn’t feel so financially crunched if I weren’t trying to put away so much so I could pay for the IUI’s and the birthing center. I’m not fantasizing about spending this money on frivolous crap. I’m thinking about spending it on stuff that wouldn’t genuinely improve my life.

And it’s hard to argue against doing the “responsible thing” with my money. Meet my financial obligations, improve my health, educate myself further…nothing superficial about any of that. And yet…I want to be a mother. It’s hard to explain why that’s more important to me than the rest. I’m not even sure it’s the right thing to want. I just know it’s the truth.

When I’m strong enough to call it that.

Other days I just feel like a toddler demanding to have what I want, irrespective of the consequences.

How do you know?

How do you choose between the right thing to do and the honest thing?

Why the hell do you have to choose between them at all??!?!?!?!?


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